During that period Icontracted many strange likes,dislikes and habits,some of which Ican trace to external impressions while others are unaccountable.Ihad a violent aversion against the earrings of women but other ornaments,as bracelets,pleased me more or less according to design.The sight of a pearl would almost give me a fit but Iwas fascinated with the glitter of crystals or objects with sharp edges and plane surfaces.Iwould not touch the hair of other people except,perhaps,at the point of a revolver.Iwould get a fever by looking at a peach and if a piece of camphor was anywhere in the house,it caused me the keenest discomfort.Even now Iam not insensible to some of these upsetting impulses.When Idrop little squares of paper in a dish filled with liquid,Ialways sense a peculiar and awful taste in my mouth.Icounted the steps in my walks and calculated the cubical contents of soup plates,coffee cups and pieces of food-otherwise my meal was unenjoyable.All repeated acts or operations Iperformed had to be divisible by three and if Imist Ifelt impelled to do it all over again,even if it took hours.
Up to the age of eight years,my character was weak and vacillating.Ihad neither courage or strength to form a firm resolve.My feelings came in waves and surges and vibrated unceasingly between extremes.My wishes were of consuming force and like the heads of the hydra,they multiplied.Iwas oppressed by thoughts of pain in life and death and religious fear.Iwas swayed by superstitious belief and lived in constant dread of the spirit of evil,of ghosts and ogres and other unholy monsters of the dark.Then,all at once,there came a tremendous change which altered the course of my whole existence.
Of all things Iliked books the best.My father had a large library and whenever Icould manage Itried to satisfy my passion for reading.He did not permit it and would fly into a rage when he caught me in the act.He hid the candles when he found that Iwas reading in secret.He did not want me to spoil my eyes.But Iobtained tallow,made the wicking and cast the sticks into tin forms,and every night Iwould bush the keyhole and the cracks and read,often till dawn,when all others slept and my mother started on her arduous daily task.
On one occasion Icame across a novel entitled Abafi (the Son of Aba),a Serbian translation of a well known Hungarian writer,Josika.This work somehow awakened my dormant powers of will and Ibegan to practise self-control.At first my resolutions faded like snow in April,but in a little while Iconquered my weakness and felt a pleasure Inever knew before-that of doing as Iwilled.
In the course of time this vigorous mental exercise became second nature.At the outset my wishes had to be subdued but gradually desire and will grew to be identical.After years of such discipline Igained so complete a mastery over myself that Itoyed with passions which have meant destruction to some of the strongest men.At a certain age Icontracted a mania for gambling which greatly worried my parents.To sit down to a game of cards was for me the quintessence of pleasure.My father led an exemplary life and could not excuse the senseless waste of time and money in which Iindulged.Ihad a strong resolve but my philosophy was bad.Iwould say to him,"Ican stop whenever Iplease but is it worth while to give up that which Iwould purchase with the joys of Paradise?"On frequent occasions he gave vent to his anger and contempt but my mother was different.She understood the character of men and knew that one"s salvation could only be brought about thru his own efforts.One afternoon,Iremember,when Ihad lost all my money and was craving for a game,she came to me with a roll of bills and said,"Go and enjoy yourself.The sooner you lose all we possess the better it will be.Iknow that you will get over it."She was right.Iconquered my passion then and there and only regretted that it had not been a hundred times as strong.Inot only vanquished but tore it from my heart so as not to leave even a trace of desire.Ever since that time Ihave been as indifferent to any form of gambling as to picking teeth.
During another period Ismoked excessively,threatening to ruin my health.Then my will asserted itself and Inot only stopt but destroyed all inclination.Long ago Isuffered from heart trouble until Idiscovered that it was due to the innocent cup of coffee Iconsumed every morning.Idiscontinued at once,tho Iconfess it was not an easy task.In this way Ichecked and bridled other habits and passions and have not only preserved my life but derived an immense amount of satisfaction from what most men would consider privation and sacrifice.
After finishing the studies at the Polytechnic Institute and University Ihad a complete nervous breakdown and while the malady lasted Iobserved many phenomena strange and unbelievable.
