DEC.6.-Mother says she feels really grateful to Dr.E.for taking her to see that child, and to help soothe and comfort it while he went through with a severe, painful operation which she would not describe, because she fancied I looked pale.I said I should think the child's mother the most proper person to soothe it on such an occasion.
"The poor thing has no mother," she said, reproachfully."What has got into you, Kate? You do not seem at all like yourself.""I should think you had enough to do with this great house to keep in order, so many mouths to fill, and so many servants to oversee, without wearing yourself out with nursing all Dr.Elliott's poor folks," I said, gloomily.
"The more I have to do the happier I am," she replied."Dear Katy, the old wound isn't healed yet, and I like to be with those who have wounds and bruises of their own.And Dr.Elliott seems to have divined this by instinct."I ran and kissed her dear, pale face, which grows more beautiful every day.No wonder she misses father so! He loved and honored her beyond description, and never forgot one of those little courtesies which must have a great deal to do with a wife's happiness.People said of him that he was a gentleman of the old school, and that race is dying out.
I feel a good deal out of sorts myself.Oh, I do so wish to get above myself and all my childish, petty ways, and to live in a region where there is no temptation and no sin!
DEC.22.-I have been to see Mrs.Embury to-day.She did not receive me as cordially as usual, and I very soon resolved to come away.She detained me, however.
"Would you mind my speaking to you on a certain subject?" she asked, with some embarrassment.
I felt myself flush up.
"I do not want to meddle with affairs that don't concern me," she went on, "but Dr.Elliott and I have been intimate friends all our lives.And his disappointment has really distressed me."One of my moods came on, and I couldn't speak a word.
"You are not at all the sort of a girl I supposed he would fancy,"she continued."He always has said he was waiting to find some one just like his mother, and she is one of the gentlest, meekest, sweetest, and fairest among women.""You ought to rejoice then that he has escaped the snare," I said, in a husky voice, "and is free to marry his ideal, when he finds her.""But that is just what troubles me.He is not free.He does not attach himself readily, and I am afraid that it will be a long, long time before he gets over this unlucky passion for you.""Passion!" I cried, contemptuously.
She looked at me with some surprise, and then went on.
"Most girls would jump at the chance of getting such a husband.""I don't know that I particularly care to be classed with 'most girls,'" I replied, loftily.
"But if you only knew him as well as I do.He is so noble, so disinterested, and is so beloved by his patients.I could tell you scores of anecdotes about him that would show just what he is.""Thank you," I said, "I think we have discussed Dr.Elliott quite enough already.I cannot say that he has elevated himself in my opinion by ****** you take up the cudgels in his defence.""You do him injustice, when you say that," she cried."His sister, the only person to whom he confided the state of things, begged me to find out, if I could, whether you had any other attachment, and if her brother's case was quite hopeless.But I am sorry I undertook the task as it has annoyed you so much."I came away a good deal ruffled.When I got home mother said she was glad I had been out at last for a little recreation, and that she wished I did not confine myself so to the children.I said that I did not confine myself more than Aunty did.
"But that is different," mother objected."She is their own mother, and love helps her to bear her burden.""So it does me," I returned."I love the children exactly as if they were my own."That," she said, "is impossible."
"I certainly do," I persisted.
Mother would not dispute with me, though I wished she would.
A mother," she went on, "receives her children one at a time, and gradually adjusts herself to gradually increasing burdens.But you take a whole houseful upon you at once, and I am sure it is too much for you.You do not look or act like yourself.""It isn't the children," I said.
"What is it, then?"
"Why, it's nothing," I said, pettishly.
'"I must say, dear," said mother, not noticing my manner, "that your wonderful devotion to the children, aside from its effect on your health and temper, has given me great delight.""I don't see why," I said.
"Very few girls of your age would give up their whole time as you do to such work.""That is because very few girls are as fond of children as I am.
There is no virtue in doing exactly what one likes best to do.""There, go away, you contrary child," said mother, laughing."If you won't be praised, you won't."So I came up here and moped a little.I don't see what ails me.
But there is an under-current of peace that is not entirely disturbed by any outside event.In spite of my follies and my shortcomings, Ido believe that God loves and pities me, and will yet perfect that which concerneth me.It is a great mystery.But so is everything.
Dr.Elliott to Mrs.Crofton:
And now, my dear friend, having issued my usual bulletin of health, you may feel quite at ease about your dear children, and I come to a point in your letter which I would gladly pass over in silence.But this would be but a poor return for the interest you express in my affairs.
