III
July 16.
My school-days are over! I have come off with flying colors, and mother is pleased at my success.I said to her today that I should now have time to draw and practice to my heart's content.
"You will not find your heart content with either," she said.
"Why, mother!" I cried, "I thought you liked to see me happy!""And so I do," she said, quietly."But there is something better to get out of life than you have yet found.""I am sure I hope so," I returned."On the whole, I haven't got much so far."Amelia is now on such terms with Jenny Underhill that I can hardly see one without seeing the other After the way in which I have loved her, this seems rather hard.Sometimes I am angry about it, and sometimes grieved.However, I find Jenny quite nice.She buys all the new books and lends them to me.I wish I liked more solid reading;but I don't.And I wish I were not so fond of novels; but I am.If it were not for mother I should read nothing else.And I am sure I often feel quite stirred up by a really good novel, and admire and want to imitate every high-minded, noble character it describes.
Jenny has a miniature of her brother "Charley" in a locket, which she always wears, and often shows me.According to her, he is exactly like the heroes I most admire in books.She says she knows he would like me if we should meet.But that is not probable.Very few like me.Amelia says it is because I say just what I think.
Wednesday.-Mother pointed out to me this evening two lines from a book she was reading, with a significant smile that said they described me:
"A frank, unchastened, generous creature, Whose faults and virtues stand in bold relief.""Dear me!" I said, "so then I have some virtues after all!"And I really think I must have, for Jenny's brother, who has come here for the sake of being near her, seems to like me very much.
Nobody ever liked me so much before, not even Amelia.But how foolish to write that down!
Thursday.-Jenny's brother has been here all evening.He has the most perfect manners I ever saw.I am sure that mother, who thinks so much of such things, would be charmed with him but she happened to be out, Mrs.Jones having sent for her to see about her baby.He gave me an account of his mother's death, and how he and Jenny nursed her day and night.He has a great deal of feeling.I was going to tell him about my father's death, sorrow seems to bring people together so, but I could not.Oh, if he had only had a sickness that needed our tender nursing, instead of being snatched from us in that sudden way!
Sunday, Aug.5.-Jenny's brother has been at our church all day.He walked home with me this afternoon.Mother, after being up all night with Mrs.Jones and her baby, was not able to go out.
Dr Cabot preaches as if we had all got to die pretty soon, or else have something almost as bad happen to us.How can old people always try to make young people feel uncomfortable, and as if things couldn't last?
Aug.25.-Jenny says her brother is perfectly fascinated with me, and that I must try to like him in return.I suppose mother would say my head was turned by my good fortune, but it is not.I am getting quite sober and serious.It is a great thing to be--to be--well--liked.Ihave seen some verses of his composition to-day that show that he is all heart and soul, and would make any sacrifice for one he loved.Icould not like a man who did not possess such sentiments as his.
Perhaps mother would think I ought not to put such things into my journal.
Jenny has thought of such a splendid plan! What a dear little thing she is! She and her brother are so much alike! The plan is for us three girls, Jenny, Amelia and myself, to form ourselves into a little class to read and to study together.She says "Charley" will direct our readings and help us with our studies.It is perfectly delightful.
September 1.-Somehow I forgot to tell mother that Mr.Underhill was to be our teacher.So when it came my turn to have the class meet here, she was not quite pleased.I told her she could stay and watch us, and then she would see for herself that we all behaved ourselves.
Sept.19.-The class met at Amelia's to-night.Mother insisted on sending for me, though Mr.Underhill had proposed to see me home himself.So he stayed after I left.It was not quite the thing in him, for he must see that Amelia is absolutely crazy about him.
Sept.28-We met at Jenny's this evening.Amelia had a bad headache and could not come.Jenny idled over her lessons, and at last took a book and began to read.I studied awhile with Mr.Underhill.At last he said, scribbling something on a bit of paper:
"Here is a sentence I hope you can translate."I took it, and read these words:
"You are the brightest, prettiest, most warm-hearted little thing in the world.And I love you more than tongue can tell.You must love me in the same way."I felt hot and then cold, and then glad and then sorry.But Ipretended to laugh, and said I could not translate Greek.I shall have to tell mother, and what will she say?
Sept.29.-This morning mother began thus:
"Kate, I do not like these lessons of yours.At your age, with your judgment quite unformed, it is not proper that you should spend so much time with a young man.
"Jenny is always there, and Amelia," I replied.
"That makes no difference.I wish the whole thing stopped.I do not know what I have been thinking of to let it go on so long.Mrs.
Gordon says--"
"Mrs.Gordon! Ha!" I burst out, "I knew Amelia was at the bottom of it! Amelia is in love with him up to her very ears, and because he does not entirely neglect me, she has put her mother up to coming here, meddling and ******--""If what you say of Amelia is true, it is most ungenerous in you to tell of it.But I do not believe it.Amelia Gordon has too much good sense to be carried away by a handsome face and agreeable manners."I began to cry.
