BIRTH OF A FORSYTE
Soames walked out of the garden door,crossed the lawn,stood on the path above the river,turned round and walked back to the garden door,without having realised that he had moved.The sound of wheels crunching the drive convinced him that time had passed,and the doctor gone.What,exactly,had he said?
"This is the position,Mr.Forsyte.I can make pretty certain of her life if I operate,but the baby will be born dead.If I don't operate,the baby will most probably be born alive,but it's a great risk for the mother--a great risk.In either case I don't think she can ever have another child.In her state she obviously can't decide for herself,and we can't wait for her mother.It's for you to make the decision,while I'm getting what's necessary.
I shall be back within the hour."
The decision!What a decision!No time to get a specialist down!
No time for anything!
The sound of wheels died away,but Soames still stood intent;then,suddenly covering his ears,he walked back to the river.To come before its time like this,with no chance to foresee anything,not even to get her mother here!It was for her mother to make that decision,and she couldn't arrive from Paris till to-night!If only he could have understood the doctor's jargon,the medical niceties,so as to be sure he was weighing the chances properly;but they were Greek to him--like a legal problem to a layman.And yet he must decide!He brought his hand away from his brow wet,though the air was chilly.These sounds which came from her room!
To go back there would only make it more difficult.He must be calm,clear.On the one hand life,nearly certain,of his young wife,death quite certain,of his child;and--no more children afterwards!On the other,death perhaps of his wife,nearly certain life for the child;and--no more children afterwards!
Which to choose?.It had rained this last fortnight--the river was very full,and in the water,collected round the little house-boat moored by his landing-stage,were many leaves from the woods above,brought off by a frost.Leaves fell,lives drifted down--Death!To decide about death!And no one to give him a hand.Life lost was lost for good.Let nothing go that you could keep;for,if it went,you couldn't get it back.It left you bare,like those trees when they lost their leaves;barer and barer until you,too,withered and came down.And,by a queer somersault of thought,he seemed to see not Annette lying up there behind that window-pane on which the sun was shining,but Irene lying in their bedroom in Montpellier Square,as it might conceivably have been her fate to lie,sixteen years ago.Would he have hesitated then?
Not a moment!Operate,operate!Make certain of her life!No decision--a mere instinctive cry for help,in spite of his know-ledge,even then,that she did not love him!But this!Ah!there was nothing overmastering in his feeling for Annette!Many times these last months,especially since she had been growing fright-ened,he had wondered.She had a will of her own,was selfish in her French way.And yet--so pretty!What would she wish--to take the risk.'I know she wants the child,'he thought.'If it's born dead,and no more chance afterwards--it'll upset her terribly.No more chance!All for nothing!Married life with her for years and years without a child.Nothing to steady her!She's too young.
Nothing to look forward to,for her--for me!For me!'He struck his hands against his chest!Why couldn't he think without bringing himself in--get out of himself and see what he ought to do?The thought hurt him,then lost edge,as if it had come in contact with a breastplate.Out of oneself!Impossible!Out into soundless,scentless,touchless,sightless space!The very idea was ghastly,futile!And touching there the bedrock of reality,the bottom of his Forsyte spirit,Soames rested for a moment.When one ceased,all ceased;it might go on,but there'd be nothing in it!
He looked at his watch.In half an hour the doctor would be back.
He must decide!If against the operation and she died,how face her mother and the doctor afterwards?How face his own conscience?
It was his child that she was having.If for the operation--then he condemned them both to childlessness.And for what else had he married her but to have a lawful heir?And his father--at death's door,waiting for the news!'It's cruel!'he thought;'I ought never to have such a thing to settle!It's cruel!'He turned towards the house.Some deep,****** way of deciding!He took out a coin,and put it back.If he spun it,he knew he would not abide by what came up!He went into the dining-room,furthest away from that room whence the sounds issued.The doctor had said there was a chance.In here that chance seemed greater;the river did not flow,nor the leaves fall.A fire was burning.Soames unlocked the tantalus.He hardly ever touched spirits,but now--he poured himself out some whisky and drank it neat,craving a faster flow of blood.'That fellow Jolyon,'he thought;'he had children already.
He has the woman I really loved;and now a son by her!And I--I'm asked to destroy my only child!Annette can't die;it's not possible.She's strong!'
He was still standing sullenly at the sideboard when he heard the doctor's carriage,and went out to him.He had to wait for him to come downstairs.
"Well,doctor?"
"The situation's the same.Have you decided?""Yes,"said Soames;"don't operate!"
"Not?You understand--the risk's great?"
In Soames'set face nothing moved but the lips.
"You said there was a chance?"
"A chance,yes;not much of one."
"You say the baby must be born dead if you do?""Yes."
"Do you still think that in any case she can't have another?""One can't be absolutely sure,but it's most unlikely.""She's strong,"said Soames;"we'll take the risk."The doctor looked at him very gravely."It's on your shoulders,"he said;"with my own wife,I couldn't."
Soames'chin jerked up as if someone had hit him.
