There was something about Gloria.Maybe it was her thick, blond hair, nice skin tone, nice body, or that she knew where all her body parts were at any moment.
Maybe it was that she was ugly.
But something was magical about her, something beyond the gleam in eyes of a shark fisherman surrounded by great whites, something beyond the infinity of the stars above.
Perhaps Gloria's essence could be seen glistening on a white rose on a dewy morning.
Perhaps it couldn't be seen.
One day, she came home crying after being teased by her classmates.
Her mother sat her down and said,"Gloria, you're beautiful.I don't mean inside, because everybody is ugly inside.You have a prominent forehead, startling wide-apart eyes, an exquisite curved and twisted nose, and an electrifying crooked mouth.God has been good to you.Good looking people only seem that way because they have average features.And, Gloria, you're not at all average.You have distinctive looks.You're gorgeous, and your physical beauty is only part of what makes you so special."
"Are we done yet, Mom?"
"Not until you come to your senses.Like all gifted people, you must pay a price.Only by telling people of your gifts and bringing out their ugliness inside will they see how beautiful you are."
Years later, on her eighteenth birthday, Gloria ate lunch with Uncle Joe.
"You have a beautiful mouth, Gloria."
Gloria gagged."Oh, god.Don't you guys ever let up on that crap?"
"No,"he snapped."You're a beautiful girl.Sure, like everyone, I had to rid myself of my ugliness inside to see your beauty, but I see it now.You're eighteen today.It's time for you to go to a local bar and pick up a man."
That night, Gloria marched into a local bar and strode up to the best looking guy she saw.He looked depressed, but she felt inspired by the challenge.
She sat beside him and said,"Hi, I'm Gloria.What's your name?"
"Ralph," he said in his gloom.
"Why so down big fella? How about I buy you a drink?"
He turned and his eyes blasted open."All right, but you're not my type."
When their drinks arrived, she smiled and said,"Look at me, Ralph.I'm gorgeous."
"No way, honey.You're the ugliest girl I've ever met."
Undeterred, Gloria delightedly sipped her drink, as happy as a frog in springtime."I have a special kind of beauty, Ralph."If she was so ugly, why was a handsome man looking her way?
"I don't mean inside.Everyone is ugly inside.I mean outside.But to see my beauty, you must rid yourself of the ugliness inside you."
Ralph sighed."No way, honey.You need plastic surgery."
Reeling from her first taste of liquor, Gloria tossed her thick blond hair."Why bother.I'm beautiful like I am.Enough about me.Why are you so depressed?"
He groaned."I got stood up last night." He glanced back at a flashy blond in red slacks, laughing and clutching the arm of a young man."See that girl? When I got to her house for our date last night, I saw her get in another guy's car and ride off.Three guys have attempted suicide because of her."
Gloria grimaced."Why, Ralph? She's so average looking."
Ralph coughed."Average? She can get any guy she wants."
"Nonsense, Ralph? She only seems beautiful because of her average features."
The blond sauntered over and slid her arm around Ralph."Sorry, Ralph.I forgot I'd already made a date with another guy.Let's make it for tomorrow night."
"No thanks.I already have a date with this girl."
The blond looked at Gloria and huffed."There's no way you'd date a girl like that."
Ralph swallowed his drink."Believe it."
"You're disgusting.Forget it then.I walk over guys like you anytime I want."
She left, but kept her eyes on Ralph.Gloria gagged and made him laugh."See? She's ugly inside and out.Let's go to your place."
Ralph laughed."You are so naive?"
"I may be naive, Ralph, but I have special abilities.I have proprioception.I know the position of all my body parts at any moment."
Ralph blinked."So?"
"Proprioception takes an incredible integration of muscles, nerves, bones, and brain cells.It's amazing.Look."
Gloria swung her arms and smacked with her backswing the blonde, who was walking by with her new companion to make Ralph jealous.She went sprawling, and Gloria tried to help her up, but she slapped her away and marched off.
"Gloria," said Ralph,"I see your beauty now."
"Really, Ralph.You seem more trouble than you're worth."
"But I want you, Gloria.I can see your beauty now."
Gloria folded her arms."Forget it, Ralph.I was lying.I'm really ugly.Ask any guy in this room."
"Hey, everyone, is this girl ugly?"
"No!" they all yelled.
"See, Gloria.You're beautiful.Everyone here has less ugliness inside thanks to you."
Gloria gazed at his pleading eyes."All right, let's go.I hope you have condominiums."
Ralph never had so much fun with any girl as he did with the slipping and sliding beauty.In the morning, he ran to the bathroom to throw up, but it was from drinking too much, and Gloria fixed him with a tomato juice and Tabasco sauce concoction.Later that day, he looked out his condominium window and saw a shark hanging by a dock.
"I want to be a shark fisherman," he said.
And he did.And Gloria became a nurse.And they got married a month later.
Two years later, Gloria came out on the boat deck looking in a mirror."I don't know.Maybe I should have plastic surgery."
"Why bother," said Ralph, pulling in a tiger shark."You're beautiful the way you are."
And that was that.
