A room in FORD'S house. Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD FALSTAFF Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not only, Mistress Ford, in the ****** office of love, but in all the accoutrement, complement and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your husband now? MISTRESS FORD He's a-birding, sweet Sir John. MISTRESS PAGE [Within] What, ho, gossip Ford! what, ho! MISTRESS FORD Step into the chamber, Sir John.
Exit FALSTAFF
Enter MISTRESS PAGE MISTRESS PAGE How now, sweetheart! who's at home besides yourself? MISTRESS FORD Why, none but mine own people. MISTRESS PAGE Indeed! MISTRESS FORD No, certainly.
Aside to her Speak louder. MISTRESS PAGE Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here. MISTRESS FORD Why? MISTRESS PAGE Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again:
he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying, 'Peer out, peer out!' that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but tameness, civility and patience, to this his distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is not here. MISTRESS FORD Why, does he talk of him? MISTRESS PAGE Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket; protests to my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport, to make another experiment of his suspicion: but I am glad the knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery. MISTRESS FORD How near is he, Mistress Page? MISTRESS PAGE Hard by; at street end; he will be here anon. MISTRESS FORD I am undone! The knight is here. MISTRESS PAGE Why then you are utterly shamed, and he's but a dead man. What a woman are you!--Away with him, away with him! better shame than murder. FORD Which way should be go? how should I bestow him?
Shall I put him into the basket again?
Re-enter FALSTAFF FALSTAFF No, I'll come no more i' the basket. May I not go out ere he come? MISTRESS PAGE Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here? FALSTAFF What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney. MISTRESS FORD There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces. Creep into the kiln-hole. FALSTAFF Where is it? MISTRESS FORD He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house. FALSTAFF I'll go out then. MISTRESS PAGE If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir John. Unless you go out disguised-- MISTRESS FORD How might we disguise him? MISTRESS PAGE Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's gown big enough for him otherwise he might put on a hat, a muffler and a kerchief, and so escape. FALSTAFF Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather than a mischief. MISTRESS FORD My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a gown above. MISTRESS PAGE On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he is: and there's her thrummed hat and her muffler too. Run up, Sir John. MISTRESS FORD Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I will look some linen for your head. MISTRESS PAGE Quick, quick! we'll come dress you straight:
put on the gown the while.
Exit FALSTAFF MISTRESS FORD I would my husband would meet him in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears she's a witch; forbade her my house and hath threatened to beat her. MISTRESS PAGE Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards! MISTRESS FORD But is my husband coming? MISTRESS PAGE Ah, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence. MISTRESS FORD We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as they did last time. MISTRESS PAGE Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress him like the witch of Brentford. MISTRESS FORD I'll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight.
Exit MISTRESS PAGE Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough.
We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do, Wives may be merry, and yet honest too:
We do not act that often jest and laugh;
'Tis old, but true, Still swine eat all the draff.
Exit Re-enter MISTRESS FORD with two Servants MISTRESS FORD Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders:
your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it down, obey him: quickly, dispatch.
